True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
