It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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