We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
