Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize