Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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