no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
