She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
