I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
