Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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