I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
