What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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