aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
