he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He better not be in your backpack
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
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