One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I just gargled with NyQuil
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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