i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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