I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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