I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
