Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
