Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
