he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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