I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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