I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize