at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
