I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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