So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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