smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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