i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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