Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
