Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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