I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
