Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
