There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
