I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
