I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize