I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
she looked like the before picture.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
