Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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