I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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