Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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