Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
