All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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