True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
