Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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