My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
