Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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