I will die if light touches me.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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