Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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