I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
