New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
