Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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