Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
