This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
