This is not my ceiling
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
