we have officially mastered the walk of shame
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
