I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
