I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
there's paper in my vomit.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
