my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
how does that bad decision feel?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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