Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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